Coping with Criticism—Advice from the Wine Guy

This morning I was reading an article from my local paper, yes an actual newspaper with smudgy ink and residue. It talked about criticism and how to deal with it in a positive way; and, how to accept it for what it is—a way to make you improve at what you’re doing.

Columnist Alexandra Levitt interviewed Gary Vaynerchuk, a wine expert and social media evangelist, about his recent book “Crush It: Why NOW is the time to Cash in on Your Passion.” I have read this book and it has many good points. It’s a quick read. If you’re looking for a little pick-me-up on how to take it to the next level, this book may just inspire you.

Anyway, Gary talks about dealing with and welcoming criticism. As an author and wine expert, he receives comments from people both good and bad. As corporate creatives, we too receive feedback that we have to deal with, discard, or embrace. Here are some points Gary mentioned that I think are relevant:

· People Talk—People are going to talk about you whether you’re in the conversation or not. If you don’t address problems head on, you may be passed over for someone else.

· Put Yourself Out There—By putting yourself out there, personally or professionally, you are bound to get feedback. At times it might not always be sunshine and roses. What’s important? Gary says, “It’s not what is said, but how you cope with it.” Listen to what the speaker is saying. Try not to be defensive.

· Listen—Learn to listen carefully to hear what people are saying so you can take the nugget and grow from it. If you toss the nugget, it might continue to be uncovered over and over. And the next thing you know, it becomes a problem. You become a problem.

· Armor—In most cases, the person with whom you’re speaking isn’t trying to be a jerk and attack you. He/she is commenting on your behavior; not necessarily on you as a person. Instead of getting defensive, consider this approach:

o Paraphrase back to the person what you believe they are saying.

For example, Ed comes to you and says, “Janie, in the meeting with our client today, you came on a little strong.” Before you bristle, listen to what Ed is saying. He’s trying to help you to reflect on the situation and address any missteps that may have occurred.

You might respond with, “Ed, thanks for bringing this to my attention. What I’m hearing you say is that in today’s meeting my approach with the client may have created an uncomfortable situation for us. Can you give me some pointers on how you think I might handle that in the future, and can I count on you to help mentor me on my progress?”

This approach shows that you were listening to Ed; that you cared about how you were perceived and are willing to address it head on. If you had “attacked” Ed when he approached you, he might feel that he was trying to help you and you jumped down his throat. He would be less willing to help you in the future and your career could suffer.

· Be Humble—Apologize if needed. I know how hard this can be. But, believe me people appreciate it.

· Be Gracious—Approach all criticism with graciousness. Criticism helps you to do better. In the long run being gracious will provide you with more opportunities. You may even look like the “bigger” person for doing so. Thank the person for sharing his/her thoughts with you. The more open you are to listening, the more you will find people trusting you and sharing their thoughts more easily.

· Be Respectful—Remember, the person offering the criticism may not feel too comfortable doing so. Try to put yourself in his/her shoes. It could be an uncomfortable situation for both of you. Try to remember that and consider being sensitive.

· Know Yourself—Not all criticism is valid. People may have ulterior motives or may be going through a tough time themselves, and you happen to be the person they took it out on. It’s important to know yourself. Your strengths. Your weaknesses. This will help you to better formulate an opinion for the criticism’s validity.

Criticism can be tough to deal with, and not everyone does it gracefully. In fact, there have been times I’ve been shocked at what someone has said to me. But, I’ve been pretty good about addressing it. I always take a confrontational situation down by not engaging in yelling or “passionate” debate. I often walk away until the person—or I—cools down. Then address it as calmly as possible a while later—and that could be hours or days.

In fact, a few months ago this happened to me. I hosted a meeting with about 10 people to ask more detailed questions about a project before I proceeded. The team leader thought the meeting was about something completely different because he did not read the meeting planner. In the meeting, he verbally attacked me for not doing my job and wasting people’s time. I was shocked, angry, and quite honestly ready to attack as well. Instead I let him go on making a jerk of himself.

After the meeting, people approached me and said I handled it well. He was out of line and quite honestly they were very uncomfortable.

I addressed his behavior later, first by email saying I didn’t know what happened and that I felt attacked. And secondly, that I would like to meet with him to go over the meeting planner again to point out the purpose of the meeting and to get the answers I sought.

About two days later he apologized to me and said that he apologized to everyone in that meeting. He felt terrible about the way he acted and there was no reason for something like that. I thanked him for his apology and was glad that he did it.

Be a mentor. Share your thoughts, tips, and ideas about coping with constructive criticism.

~Ciao

Becky